The weekend in the life of a depressed world

I have not posted anything on the weekend because I was to busy making a group on facebook it's called Help prevent suicide and fight depression. I have over a hundred people that have joined but nobody wants to talk about things. I have come to the conclusion that even though we either know someone or have it ourselves we still feel like we cannot talk about how we feel. Some of the health professionals admit to the fact that they make the stigma worse by saying things like the annoying people and the hard to with such as people with BPD and Bipolar. Yet these are the most at risk of people that will harm or kill themselves. The reason for having BPD is mostly stems from our troubled childhoods. That is something that we cannot change. A child that grows up with abuse and emotional distress as well the lack of care on the part of the parents is great. Studies have shown that a person with BPD has a brain that is totally different in development to a person that has been given the love and care when they were growing up and did not get abused. The actual brain it self is different and they connection that the brain makes at times of stress is what causes the brain to simply switch off at times distress.
I have this condition called PTSD it makes me disassociate totally when I am sad or I know that I will be in a situation that is volatile. On Friday I even lost my car after a very sad session at the councilors. I could remember what she was wearing and that I did tell her I told her how angry I was with my mother and now broken up relationship with my last boyfriend but nothing else. I lost that relationship to acting out of control one day near the anniversary of my last overdose. I felt like I can't even kill myself so I got drunk in the afternoon took some pills went on a dating site and danced in something like a bikini. My than boyfriend found out and he told me he could forgive me but could not forget the incident. I was heart broken as I did not cheat on him as I was at home alone and made a foul out myself front of over two hundred people. This is one of the signs of the illness I suffer from. I sometimes do things that are totally random. It make scene at the time but later on I have no idea why did I do it. At times I so wish I could remember things I can't even remember him breaking up with me on the phone as I was so upset so quickly I had to ring him back a few day later which was this weekend and ask him again what he had said to me. Most of that I remember. We agreed to become friends with benefits as he has nobody in his life and neither do I now it is the only way I will get to spend some time with a person I have known now for over three years and been together with for six month. In my eyes it is the talks we have that matter the most. We watch things together and talk into the small hours in the morning.I know to some it is a cop out but to me at least I have kept the one and only friend I have here.
I have also been trying my hardest to study. I find everything takes so much effort my brain does not want to or can't retain information like it used to. This comes from a person that did really well with studying before and know it is just a lot of frustration and hard work. I have lost more weight again as my apatite is going again. Now I am down to 46kg which is almost 10kg under what my minimum should be. My brain feels like it is so fragmented and all over the place that I some days think I am actually loosing my mind. My anxiety is getting worse so medication I am on is now non affective and needs to changed. I take double of my antidepressants just so I can sleep and even than I wake up and shake and wonder how the day is going to work out. I still try and not leave the house. When I drive some days I do it in a way that is dangerous or just get road rage really badly. I also imagine driving into things like walls and polls. I hate the confusion that is now my brain. Yet when I talk to anyone that is depressed I can provide them with information on how and where to get help. The thing is it does not apply to me. I cannot apply what I say to other and I know it all makes scene but when it comes to me things are different. In my mind I do not exist as such. My mother is still making demands on me I cannot fulfill and some days I feel like telling her if she just done something to help and protect me from my father I would be a better person. Her point is when she found out that I was talking about depression that why do you want to take on other people problems if they want to die let them you don't know them. They don't even live in Australia you have enough problems and you have no time for me as it is. I told her if there was somebody when I was young and first tried to end it I would have given anything to able to talk to somebody. I have always attempted suicide without telling a soul about it. I made careful plans on how and when I was going to do it and prepared for it some people how ever do ask for help. I just wish I was one them.