I hat PTSD

I hate having PTSD! Yesterday I went to therapy as usual I forgot everything but what she was wearing. My mind does this now all the time. I tell myself I will remember this and guess what I don't. I also went out with my mother as she is selling her house than we had the biggest argument. I almost lost my voice I yelled at her so much. She keeps on bringing up the past. My past. If she just admit to all the wrongs she has done to me I could say it's ok. And I do say I don't care but even until recently she has been calling names behind my back and she won't admit to it. I made her a birthday lunch and she did not even want to come over. I am also very confused about my relationship with Bob my kind of ex boyfriend. I asked him if we could be friends with benefits. I know it is desperate and all that but I love talking to him and the watching things with him. I also know that this illness goes with behavior such this. I just don't want to loose him either as a friend or a boyfriend I know he must like a bit at least but with his past with his ex wife it would be hard for him to accept what I have done but it was only dancing on cam in a kind of like a bikini not naked as he has seen the video of it.He said he can forgive but not forget, that is another way of saying I will not forgive you. Well he is coming over On Sunday to stay over I hope it goes well enough as we talk most night again on the phone. I don't know what to do about anything. I got two books our to read but I don't know how to go about even remember what I am studying I used to get distinctions before well good luck for getting anywhere near that. I am also a perfectionist and nothing is good enough but the best if I do them. I can take anybody else's mistakes but my own. I run my depression group get stuff of the net and that can help people and I do hope it does. I just can't take my own medicine in a matter of words. I am so nervous about tomorrow I hope it goes well and maybe just maybe he will like me again. I am really not that bad I have an illness that most do not understand and I do things out random thoughts get angry and at times happy or what ever that might be. I don't know what ever that is.I love music, dancing and and I have done so much in my life more good than bad. Why can't I just get a break and why can't I be normal? I am always in the middle never knowing which side of the fence I am going to be. I always feel like nobody can understand me myself included. I feel so alone empty and I am getting to that stage in my mind where I disconnect from my body. That is always when I have attempted suicide I know I am not going to it again never again for the kids sake, I am trying my hardest to keep things together. Specially now I am dealing with real estate and lawyers and my mother. I also need to show me and my daughters that I can do this and can study and I hope Bob will see that I am trying to be normal. I am trying so hard to help people to do some good in the world. I don't fit in my family I am nothing like them they don't care things are all about them and money, I am now a single mother of almost two adult daughters that live with me I have lots animals that we love, and I am so broke it's not funny. I can't work for my health problems which there are many. As well as my mental health. Last year I poked my eye with a stick I made caused some damage to it and I can't afford to get knew glasses. How sad is that. I don't even know if I will have anywhere to live at the end of the year. So I am in so much shit and it is all real. Well I will write back to see and how things went lets hope things go well as Monday will be a nightmare. I still can't sleep well I am so tired, and now I am 12 kg's underweight. The stupid thing is that in the US I am size 0 what most woman want lol I just want to be normal whatever that is or close to it. I need peace. I just can't get it don't even know what that is.