Friday, May 21, 2010

PTSD

Today my life took a turn. I have finally come to the conclusion that this is now affecting me in so many ways. The slightest of bit of sadness or stress has now got the effect on my brain to simply switch off. I hate this I can talk to somebody and cry the next thing I don't remember a thing. I loose my way to places I got to all the time as I can't remember the way if I know things will make me upset. I cry so much my eyes are dry and sore, I hardly sleep and don't really feel like eating. But I have medication now for that, so I will not get sick after eating. I think and think but do not remember even my thoughts or breaking up with my bf and what was said is all gone. One of his friends made fun of me and that made me so upset I cried for ages. These are adults. I have trouble concentrating on driving now and get road rage all the time. I see a wall or a post and I see my self driving into it. or into oncoming traffic. I would not do that as I know along with me others would die as well. So I just blast the music and drive fast so I can block my thoughts. I hate this so very much having no memory of things I studied and did so well before. How can one get so down into the very darkness. They say "when you hit rock bottom" well with this you always have a shovel to dig yourself in deeper. Until there is nothing solid to stand on and you burn up. Well I am burning up.
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1 comment:

  1. Patrick O'Ryan (P3)May 22, 2010 at 10:40 AM

    You will find it very helpful to keep a blog, and to be able to "vent" to the world.

    I have been blogging in my own blog which you connected to "Living With Borderline Personality Disorder" for quite awhile now - I think I started last August.

    You will find that it helps to "talk out" the issues effecting you, and you will sometimes get good comments from those reading your blog.

    Whether you add a short or a long blog, all additions are important, or at least I find that it helps.

    I wish you the best, and I'll be sure to stop back and read your blogs.

    I too fight with the thought of suicide everyday; my therapists can't believe that I think about it that much, but for those with BPD we often do.

    P.S. - Great Pic, you are important, you have two daughters who will really bring light into the dark parts of your life.

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