Saturday, May 22, 2010
I feel so lost
Today I was going to study instead I haven't even gotten dressed and left my bed. I only sleep a few hour if that at night and my dreams are horrible. I remember things in dreams talk to people while still asleep and I can't remember a thing at times of what I have said to others when awake. I find everything in my life so hard to do. Days go by and I just sit here in the darkness. I often wonder what it is like to be happy. I don't think I would know it even how to be happy. I sit here helping or trying to help others while my life is falling apart how sad is that. People ofter tell me you should do counseling for others as I have so much knowledge and life experience to give. Yet in my own life nothing makes any scene to me at all. Loosing my boyfriend this week was a big blow. His friend making fun of me was even worse. My tears every night just flow and all I want is inner peace. I don't even know what that is. Yesterday I forgot what I talked about to my councilor I remember what she wore and that I cried a lot. The day before was the same. I just forget everything when I am sad or angry now all the time. At times I want to remember but I am sure that there must be a reason for me not to. If I did I would most likely just give up. Sometimes it's a blessing loosing memory and sometimes it's just painful as I know that if I did remember I would regret my action, what I have said or how I felt. So I am in my room with no energy to speak of and no desire to live. My thought some days make me think I am loosing my mind or I have already lost it. It amazing what a parent can do to a child with abuse and neglect that can affect you so very much and for so long. The scars on my body and in my mind are a constant reminder of those days. And no you can't say you are not a child anymore you can't blame others. But if it wasn't for my parents who are meant to be loving and caring I was dealt with a bad hand. There anything but loving or caring. So 43 years later I am still suffering the darkness I looked for as a child. I set in a cupboard back than. To get away from my father now I am in the dark all the time. To get away from me.
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Well, maybe I'm becoming your biggest fan.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much in your post that I myself have experienced.
The best I can say, is kept blogging. It really does help, and eventually you'll find more than just me giving you encouragement.
I deal with nightmares every night - I'm lucky to be under psychiatric care now so I get a pill, Seroquel, which literally turns my mind off.
I don't know if therapy is an option for you or not - don't know what Australia has to offer in health care. But I was first opposed, but now I look forward to it.
Thank you for that Patrick. Thank you for taking an interest in my life. I do get care and I am on medication but like you I also look forward to my weekly visits to my councilor.I was under care last year yet I overdosed so badly I was in a coma for a while on life support. At times life gets so hard nothing in this wold can make it seem like it worth living. I hate to say this as I have my daughters to live for. I am trying so hard at the moment but my brain is just refusing to work. At times I really think I am loosing my mind. I do hope that in future you will read my blog. I know it is personal but I also know that are so many of us that suffer. I made a support group on facebook for Help prevent suicide and prevent mental illness. I have over a hundred people who have joined already. The thing is the stigma that surrounds this illness is still bigger than imagine. Not many can or want to talk about it. I hope to hear from in the future and keep well and keep safe.
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