My life

I live with depression, have done all my life from a life of abuse as a child. This illness manifests it self in many forms.

From a young age I have tried and tried again to end my life and I was always "saved" mostly accidentally.

There are many forms that this often silent killer takes on in our adult life. Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Manic Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and that is only a few of the many and there is a lot more.

Sufferers often do not seek help as the stigma of Depression and mental illness in general is still so bad that most often resort to suicide. This disease does not choose it's victims the young and the old and anyone in between get it. Sadly we loose so many young teenagers who suffer in silence,this could be brought on by bullying in schools to poor abusive up bringing, or even genetics and the pressure to do better in schools just to be able to get a decent job.

I suffer from Major Depression, PTSD, which makes me just shut my brain off, while suffering trauma. BPD that makes it for others to live with me. I have social anxiety so I don't leave the house for days on end and can't work. I hate the illness, while you can control the symptoms with pills you need support from others, such as family which I have from my two lovely daughters,medical stuff such as councilors, and or psychiatrists.

I loose people over this all the time such as friends who I push away, my ex husband. i don't trust anyone with most of my life story. I make bad relationship decisions which than makes me more depressed.

I hate this illness with all my being and those who contributed to it from abusing me for a very long time. At the moment I think about death everyday and it kills me inside when I look at my girls and know I don't want to be here but I am and will be I do not have a choice.

http://worthliving.yak.net.au/

Join for free, for forums about depression, the trials of life and a place just to talk to someone :)

The begging worked and telling my feelings has done also

Well I am now back with Bob but this time it is mostly all on his terms. We are down as being complicated but will not put my name down. And I wait for him to ring me. I do not ring him anymore. I think he does like me and he only ever had three woman tell him he was loved one was his ex wife that cheated on him from the beginning. So yeah I can understand why he would feel a bit exposed to all this.He told me he belives that I do love him and I do know he cares about me. I do not think he will ever tell me he loves me but we go to sleep holding hands and he does make sure I am ok at nights when I stop breathing from a nightmare I am having.He checks on me to make sure I am still there at night by hugging me but what ever he does and I tell him he always plays it down yeah I did that because such and such or I did not do it. I know this illness is one that effects relationships. I have been told this week about doing a course on BPD and all the psychologist agreed that I have the second personality as I call it to be the one that everyone will turn to. I come across a confident woman and I dress well so most will think I can help them and most men will form some kind of attachment towards me.So this means if I do help then I will not be able cope with my problems and if I do not somebody could die if I reject them or they feel like I have done so. Thia leaves me with the next thing if I don't do the group I can get help but only form a man. I was abused by so many I was told this would be the only way to trust one. I can normally say the all the right things with my knowledge of the mind and knowing what they want to hear but I do not think I will be able to do it for as longs as this will go on. And what do I do with Bob he does not want to know any of this really. I do not know I am so lost right now it is not funny. How can I come across as super confident on the outside when I am a mess inside that is what people do not see. Why are people drawn to me so fast when I am a mess. Just not the ones I want life's a bitch and than you die. So now I can't do group the way I dress and the second me might just get to be the undoing of me lol I have so much shit going on in my life I am totally lost.

Having BPD is the easiest way to loose someone

One of the hardest things to do for a person living BPD is to share just how you feel. Well I have made the royal mistake just doing that. On the weekend my ex boyfriend came over. We got on really well talked for hours and watched things together and fell asleep holding hands. On Monday I thought I would tell him how I felt about him. I told him I loved him and that I will be there for him. I have known him now for three years and we have been together for over six months. I told him that I wanted to stay with him and that I do know he cares about me and I think he does, just does not know how to show it. He stayed for a while and things were going well, told me he will think about it after giving me a huge hug. When he went I told him there is not often in this life you will met somebody that cares so much and if you do it is worth holding onto. He told me he will ring me at night as he does most nights. Well he did not ring me. I did try to ring but he did not answer the phone yet again. I rang him today. He was angry, told me he did not pick the phone up as he knew it would me and did not even listen to what I said on the machine. I asked him why was he so angry. He told me to stop harping on about things and he had things to do. He also said he will ring me back but he was so unfriendly I have never ever heard him like that before. I have learned in my life not to let anyone close to me to much so I don't get hurt and I just proved myself right yet again.I did it and look where it all got me. I feel totally confused, hurt and like I am nothing now to him just another hassle. I thought being loved was meant to be a good thing in life I guess not. That is a lesson learned and payed for by me again. Now I will loose him not only as a boyfriend by also as a friend. The one and only friend I had here. I trusted him not to hurt me in every way. I do know he sometimes does not pick his phone up when he is upset with me but to say to me what he did was heart breaking to say the least. I would have done anything for him I loved his hugs, our talks and spending time with him. Now with just three words I love you that meant to be nice thing, I lost it all. I didn't even ask him to love me back. At my age I should know better than to say what is on my mind as I was hurt by so many people by saying how I felt so I closed myself of got out relationships before I could get hurt. So I thought maybe if I become more normal like most people I will be like most people, this now has just shown me I was right all along. Never leave yourself open as people will hurt you in anyway they can. And they do. Well what is one more scar at least this one is invisible like so many others I have from the past. The rest I see everyday. I think I can live with those a lot easier. I wish I wish ....................................................................:(

I hat PTSD

I hate having PTSD! Yesterday I went to therapy as usual I forgot everything but what she was wearing. My mind does this now all the time. I tell myself I will remember this and guess what I don't. I also went out with my mother as she is selling her house than we had the biggest argument. I almost lost my voice I yelled at her so much. She keeps on bringing up the past. My past. If she just admit to all the wrongs she has done to me I could say it's ok. And I do say I don't care but even until recently she has been calling names behind my back and she won't admit to it. I made her a birthday lunch and she did not even want to come over. I am also very confused about my relationship with Bob my kind of ex boyfriend. I asked him if we could be friends with benefits. I know it is desperate and all that but I love talking to him and the watching things with him. I also know that this illness goes with behavior such this. I just don't want to loose him either as a friend or a boyfriend I know he must like a bit at least but with his past with his ex wife it would be hard for him to accept what I have done but it was only dancing on cam in a kind of like a bikini not naked as he has seen the video of it.He said he can forgive but not forget, that is another way of saying I will not forgive you. Well he is coming over On Sunday to stay over I hope it goes well enough as we talk most night again on the phone. I don't know what to do about anything. I got two books our to read but I don't know how to go about even remember what I am studying I used to get distinctions before well good luck for getting anywhere near that. I am also a perfectionist and nothing is good enough but the best if I do them. I can take anybody else's mistakes but my own. I run my depression group get stuff of the net and that can help people and I do hope it does. I just can't take my own medicine in a matter of words. I am so nervous about tomorrow I hope it goes well and maybe just maybe he will like me again. I am really not that bad I have an illness that most do not understand and I do things out random thoughts get angry and at times happy or what ever that might be. I don't know what ever that is.I love music, dancing and and I have done so much in my life more good than bad. Why can't I just get a break and why can't I be normal? I am always in the middle never knowing which side of the fence I am going to be. I always feel like nobody can understand me myself included. I feel so alone empty and I am getting to that stage in my mind where I disconnect from my body. That is always when I have attempted suicide I know I am not going to it again never again for the kids sake, I am trying my hardest to keep things together. Specially now I am dealing with real estate and lawyers and my mother. I also need to show me and my daughters that I can do this and can study and I hope Bob will see that I am trying to be normal. I am trying so hard to help people to do some good in the world. I don't fit in my family I am nothing like them they don't care things are all about them and money, I am now a single mother of almost two adult daughters that live with me I have lots animals that we love, and I am so broke it's not funny. I can't work for my health problems which there are many. As well as my mental health. Last year I poked my eye with a stick I made caused some damage to it and I can't afford to get knew glasses. How sad is that. I don't even know if I will have anywhere to live at the end of the year. So I am in so much shit and it is all real. Well I will write back to see and how things went lets hope things go well as Monday will be a nightmare. I still can't sleep well I am so tired, and now I am 12 kg's underweight. The stupid thing is that in the US I am size 0 what most woman want lol I just want to be normal whatever that is or close to it. I need peace. I just can't get it don't even know what that is.

The weekend in the life of a depressed world

I have not posted anything on the weekend because I was to busy making a group on facebook it's called Help prevent suicide and fight depression. I have over a hundred people that have joined but nobody wants to talk about things. I have come to the conclusion that even though we either know someone or have it ourselves we still feel like we cannot talk about how we feel. Some of the health professionals admit to the fact that they make the stigma worse by saying things like the annoying people and the hard to with such as people with BPD and Bipolar. Yet these are the most at risk of people that will harm or kill themselves. The reason for having BPD is mostly stems from our troubled childhoods. That is something that we cannot change. A child that grows up with abuse and emotional distress as well the lack of care on the part of the parents is great. Studies have shown that a person with BPD has a brain that is totally different in development to a person that has been given the love and care when they were growing up and did not get abused. The actual brain it self is different and they connection that the brain makes at times of stress is what causes the brain to simply switch off at times distress.
I have this condition called PTSD it makes me disassociate totally when I am sad or I know that I will be in a situation that is volatile. On Friday I even lost my car after a very sad session at the councilors. I could remember what she was wearing and that I did tell her I told her how angry I was with my mother and now broken up relationship with my last boyfriend but nothing else. I lost that relationship to acting out of control one day near the anniversary of my last overdose. I felt like I can't even kill myself so I got drunk in the afternoon took some pills went on a dating site and danced in something like a bikini. My than boyfriend found out and he told me he could forgive me but could not forget the incident. I was heart broken as I did not cheat on him as I was at home alone and made a foul out myself front of over two hundred people. This is one of the signs of the illness I suffer from. I sometimes do things that are totally random. It make scene at the time but later on I have no idea why did I do it. At times I so wish I could remember things I can't even remember him breaking up with me on the phone as I was so upset so quickly I had to ring him back a few day later which was this weekend and ask him again what he had said to me. Most of that I remember. We agreed to become friends with benefits as he has nobody in his life and neither do I now it is the only way I will get to spend some time with a person I have known now for over three years and been together with for six month. In my eyes it is the talks we have that matter the most. We watch things together and talk into the small hours in the morning.I know to some it is a cop out but to me at least I have kept the one and only friend I have here.
I have also been trying my hardest to study. I find everything takes so much effort my brain does not want to or can't retain information like it used to. This comes from a person that did really well with studying before and know it is just a lot of frustration and hard work. I have lost more weight again as my apatite is going again. Now I am down to 46kg which is almost 10kg under what my minimum should be. My brain feels like it is so fragmented and all over the place that I some days think I am actually loosing my mind. My anxiety is getting worse so medication I am on is now non affective and needs to changed. I take double of my antidepressants just so I can sleep and even than I wake up and shake and wonder how the day is going to work out. I still try and not leave the house. When I drive some days I do it in a way that is dangerous or just get road rage really badly. I also imagine driving into things like walls and polls. I hate the confusion that is now my brain. Yet when I talk to anyone that is depressed I can provide them with information on how and where to get help. The thing is it does not apply to me. I cannot apply what I say to other and I know it all makes scene but when it comes to me things are different. In my mind I do not exist as such. My mother is still making demands on me I cannot fulfill and some days I feel like telling her if she just done something to help and protect me from my father I would be a better person. Her point is when she found out that I was talking about depression that why do you want to take on other people problems if they want to die let them you don't know them. They don't even live in Australia you have enough problems and you have no time for me as it is. I told her if there was somebody when I was young and first tried to end it I would have given anything to able to talk to somebody. I have always attempted suicide without telling a soul about it. I made careful plans on how and when I was going to do it and prepared for it some people how ever do ask for help. I just wish I was one them.

I feel so lost

Today I was going to study instead I haven't even gotten dressed and left my bed. I only sleep a few hour if that at night and my dreams are horrible. I remember things in dreams talk to people while still asleep and I can't remember a thing at times of what I have said to others when awake. I find everything in my life so hard to do. Days go by and I just sit here in the darkness. I often wonder what it is like to be happy. I don't think I would know it even how to be happy. I sit here helping or trying to help others while my life is falling apart how sad is that. People ofter tell me you should do counseling for others as I have so much knowledge and life experience to give. Yet in my own life nothing makes any scene to me at all. Loosing my boyfriend this week was a big blow. His friend making fun of me was even worse. My tears every night just flow and all I want is inner peace. I don't even know what that is. Yesterday I forgot what I talked about to my councilor I remember what she wore and that I cried a lot. The day before was the same. I just forget everything when I am sad or angry now all the time. At times I want to remember but I am sure that there must be a reason for me not to. If I did I would most likely just give up. Sometimes it's a blessing loosing memory and sometimes it's just painful as I know that if I did remember I would regret my action, what I have said or how I felt. So I am in my room with no energy to speak of and no desire to live. My thought some days make me think I am loosing my mind or I have already lost it. It amazing what a parent can do to a child with abuse and neglect that can affect you so very much and for so long. The scars on my body and in my mind are a constant reminder of those days. And no you can't say you are not a child anymore you can't blame others. But if it wasn't for my parents who are meant to be loving and caring I was dealt with a bad hand. There anything but loving or caring. So 43 years later I am still suffering the darkness I looked for as a child. I set in a cupboard back than. To get away from my father now I am in the dark all the time. To get away from me.