The begging worked and telling my feelings has done also

Well I am now back with Bob but this time it is mostly all on his terms. We are down as being complicated but will not put my name down. And I wait for him to ring me. I do not ring him anymore. I think he does like me and he only ever had three woman tell him he was loved one was his ex wife that cheated on him from the beginning. So yeah I can understand why he would feel a bit exposed to all this.He told me he belives that I do love him and I do know he cares about me. I do not think he will ever tell me he loves me but we go to sleep holding hands and he does make sure I am ok at nights when I stop breathing from a nightmare I am having.He checks on me to make sure I am still there at night by hugging me but what ever he does and I tell him he always plays it down yeah I did that because such and such or I did not do it. I know this illness is one that effects relationships. I have been told this week about doing a course on BPD and all the psychologist agreed that I have the second personality as I call it to be the one that everyone will turn to. I come across a confident woman and I dress well so most will think I can help them and most men will form some kind of attachment towards me.So this means if I do help then I will not be able cope with my problems and if I do not somebody could die if I reject them or they feel like I have done so. Thia leaves me with the next thing if I don't do the group I can get help but only form a man. I was abused by so many I was told this would be the only way to trust one. I can normally say the all the right things with my knowledge of the mind and knowing what they want to hear but I do not think I will be able to do it for as longs as this will go on. And what do I do with Bob he does not want to know any of this really. I do not know I am so lost right now it is not funny. How can I come across as super confident on the outside when I am a mess inside that is what people do not see. Why are people drawn to me so fast when I am a mess. Just not the ones I want life's a bitch and than you die. So now I can't do group the way I dress and the second me might just get to be the undoing of me lol I have so much shit going on in my life I am totally lost.