The begging worked and telling my feelings has done also

Well I am now back with Bob but this time it is mostly all on his terms. We are down as being complicated but will not put my name down. And I wait for him to ring me. I do not ring him anymore. I think he does like me and he only ever had three woman tell him he was loved one was his ex wife that cheated on him from the beginning. So yeah I can understand why he would feel a bit exposed to all this.He told me he belives that I do love him and I do know he cares about me. I do not think he will ever tell me he loves me but we go to sleep holding hands and he does make sure I am ok at nights when I stop breathing from a nightmare I am having.He checks on me to make sure I am still there at night by hugging me but what ever he does and I tell him he always plays it down yeah I did that because such and such or I did not do it. I know this illness is one that effects relationships. I have been told this week about doing a course on BPD and all the psychologist agreed that I have the second personality as I call it to be the one that everyone will turn to. I come across a confident woman and I dress well so most will think I can help them and most men will form some kind of attachment towards me.So this means if I do help then I will not be able cope with my problems and if I do not somebody could die if I reject them or they feel like I have done so. Thia leaves me with the next thing if I don't do the group I can get help but only form a man. I was abused by so many I was told this would be the only way to trust one. I can normally say the all the right things with my knowledge of the mind and knowing what they want to hear but I do not think I will be able to do it for as longs as this will go on. And what do I do with Bob he does not want to know any of this really. I do not know I am so lost right now it is not funny. How can I come across as super confident on the outside when I am a mess inside that is what people do not see. Why are people drawn to me so fast when I am a mess. Just not the ones I want life's a bitch and than you die. So now I can't do group the way I dress and the second me might just get to be the undoing of me lol I have so much shit going on in my life I am totally lost.

Having BPD is the easiest way to loose someone

One of the hardest things to do for a person living BPD is to share just how you feel. Well I have made the royal mistake just doing that. On the weekend my ex boyfriend came over. We got on really well talked for hours and watched things together and fell asleep holding hands. On Monday I thought I would tell him how I felt about him. I told him I loved him and that I will be there for him. I have known him now for three years and we have been together for over six months. I told him that I wanted to stay with him and that I do know he cares about me and I think he does, just does not know how to show it. He stayed for a while and things were going well, told me he will think about it after giving me a huge hug. When he went I told him there is not often in this life you will met somebody that cares so much and if you do it is worth holding onto. He told me he will ring me at night as he does most nights. Well he did not ring me. I did try to ring but he did not answer the phone yet again. I rang him today. He was angry, told me he did not pick the phone up as he knew it would me and did not even listen to what I said on the machine. I asked him why was he so angry. He told me to stop harping on about things and he had things to do. He also said he will ring me back but he was so unfriendly I have never ever heard him like that before. I have learned in my life not to let anyone close to me to much so I don't get hurt and I just proved myself right yet again.I did it and look where it all got me. I feel totally confused, hurt and like I am nothing now to him just another hassle. I thought being loved was meant to be a good thing in life I guess not. That is a lesson learned and payed for by me again. Now I will loose him not only as a boyfriend by also as a friend. The one and only friend I had here. I trusted him not to hurt me in every way. I do know he sometimes does not pick his phone up when he is upset with me but to say to me what he did was heart breaking to say the least. I would have done anything for him I loved his hugs, our talks and spending time with him. Now with just three words I love you that meant to be nice thing, I lost it all. I didn't even ask him to love me back. At my age I should know better than to say what is on my mind as I was hurt by so many people by saying how I felt so I closed myself of got out relationships before I could get hurt. So I thought maybe if I become more normal like most people I will be like most people, this now has just shown me I was right all along. Never leave yourself open as people will hurt you in anyway they can. And they do. Well what is one more scar at least this one is invisible like so many others I have from the past. The rest I see everyday. I think I can live with those a lot easier. I wish I wish ....................................................................:(